So there I was, stewing away today (something I caught myself doing several times today since I read a recent comment on one of the blogs I read) and the thought reoccurs to me that while I am often happy, I am rarely fulfilled.  I let my sense of duty to others override my duty to self. 

I was reminded of this again when I left work and saw the beautiful clouds in the sky.  Then I saw the magnificent lightnighting caressing the sides of the clouds.  I thank God for that wonderous display, but I could only enjoy it for a few minutes before the call of duty beconned me to ignore the display and go home (in order to get more work done). 

So I began thinking on the ride home about how I miss out on the beauty of life around me because of everything I feel duty bound to do.  Where is the time for me to have real relationship with the world around me?  My prayers are done quickly, out of duty, because I dare not lapse completely.  I try to give five or ten minutes a night to my cats, who are obviously desparate for more contact than that.  I can't even get my schedule to match friends with whom I'm quickly losing touch.  The majority of the members of my gaming groups are interested more in the game than anything else.  I rarely have time for the few who break that mould. 

Behind the scenes in the convention circuit, everyone is motivated by self-interest.  As such, it's hard to remain motivated.  Duty pulls me through, but now that I've seen how it all works, I keep looking for a way out.  I think at some point my sense of duty will break, but when I let things get that far I'm usually a wreck.

And as you can see, my thoughts continued on in a tangental pattern.  I remembered past incidents (with which savy readers will already be intimately familiar).  I renewed my frustration with people who would rather cut off communication with me than tell me something they feel uncomfortable about.  Then I asked for more patience with humanity. 

Eventually, I left one track of thought for another.  I don't remember how.  Maybe it was something on which a lower level of conscienceness was working.  Then it was kicked up into a higher level of conscienceness when it was ready, derailing the current thoughts.  Or maybe some sort of odd thought association occurred.  Who knows. 

For some reason I thought, I'm missing a female component to my life.  Isn't that an incredibly odd thought?  The thought seemed very right, like I had hit upon some part of an answer to a question I haven't fully formed.  So what does that mean?

Once again, this glipse of truth left me with more questions.  I know I historically get along better with females than males.  In my past I have often been able to hang out with the gals much more comfortably than hanging out with the guys.  Yet, now I find myself in a situation where most of my female friends are highly-inaccessable due to our divergent lives.  The female presences in my life are Kitty (with conventioneering and gaming), Lori (with gaming), Debbie (with work), and occassionally my mother or grandmother.  I get to chat with a few females online, but even there the malke/female ratio is out of wack. 

So is this a call for me to actively make more female friends somehow?  I don't usually actively seek out friends, and maybe that's a mistake somehow.  There are a lot of friends and aquaintances that I miss for whom maybe I should try to find time.  However, right now I'm already having problems making time to meet Merle, Christina, and Claire. 

Or is this a call for something more?  Am I feeling incomplete in the way that only a lifemate can resolve?  I've avoided the dating scene for the most part.  Just like actively seeking out new friends, I just never understood the motivation to actively seek out romantic partners for the purpose of marriage.  It has always seemed to me that people do all the wrong things when searching for a potential mate.  If you do the things you like to do, and associate with the people you like to associate with, then you are more likely to find that friend who naturally becomes a close enough friend that romance would naturally develop in the relationship. 

Maybe I move too slowly for this world.  I'd rather have lots of friends than a string of ex-dates.  I'd rather not worry about things like if she likes me, what to do next, et cetera that dating brings.  If someone has attractive qualities, then seeking them as a friend seems a natural to me.  So why do I seem so alone in this mindset?  If I befriend someone, I get to know them at a much more leisurely pace, have a much more enjoyable time with them, and have a relationship which lasts a whole lot longer. 

Thus far, I've not been too concerned about how far each relationship goes because I trust in God to let it develop to where it belongs.  This goes reguardless of gender.  However, does this new piece of the puzzle tell me that I should be more active?  And if it does, how do I do that and remain true to my convictions?

And so on and so forth.  My mind keeps turning it over, looking for answers.  Answers I won't find tonight.  Not when I have E-mails to answer as well.  Not when I'm already falling asleep at the keyboard.  Night!

An interesting article:  http://msn.com.com/2100-1104_2-5059458.html?part=msn&subj=ns_5059458&tag=msn_home

Duty tells me I should be working on CopperCon XXIII Programming.  Something else drives me to type here anyway.  Convention programming requires putting up with a lot of two-faced people.  I won't name names in order to prevent professional reputations from being ruined, so don't ask.  I'm just sick of people who claim that they couldn't get ahold of me (when I always confirm that they have the correct phone and/or E-mail before letting people go!) or even worse, that they haven't been contacted. 

The majority of participants are good about contact.  Many of them are excellent.  But there are a few who I would just like to flat out call liars, and have to use every ounce of will to not do so.  No one is worth the kind of agrivation these few cause.  I keep notes of every phone I have (as I have it) and keep every E-mail sent and recieved.  So I have documention to back me up.  I just don't understand why these people just can't admit that they procrastinated and still want a chance to participate.  Or at least they could give a better excuse which doesn't try to scapegoat me.  Trust me, if I ever act as program director for another convention, I will go out of my way to avoid inviting those people again.  I shouldn't feel like cursing, and I won't put myself into a situation where I might feel like that again. 

Anyway, duty does call.  Later.  Thanks for letting me vent, world.

I have a chance to breath finally.  I actually got eight hours of sleep for the first time in over a week.  I was starting to get worried about myself.  I was losing my vocabulary like crazy near the end there.  It was just like being back in college.  Only I'm not so young anymore, and I had to drag Kitty, Mike, and Rusty along with me this past week. 

I really like "You Got the Style" by Athlete.  I've got Virgin Radio cranked up right now.  While I was in crunch-time mode I didn't listen to anything because it felt too much like a distraction.  The lack of music was starting to drive me crazy, too.  Ooh!  "Dreaming of You" by The Coral here is a good song, too.  I'm tempted to take all of today off, but I still have a lot of work to do in the next nine days. 

Anyway, I just wanted to touch base.  I don't really feel like recapping anything right now.  Catch y'all later. 

Cool!  We just scored Alan Dean Foster for CopperCon XXIII this year.  I just wanted to share.  Now it's back to work for me....

OK, let's see.  Friday the 18th was Jackson's game at Trav/Russ/Tom/Lori's place.  Having been sent by the evil green dragon to check on Snowfall's safety, we found him still guarding the Tomb of Decken Thal for us.  Unfortunately the doors opened as we approached, spewing forth a warm black dust upon the snow.  Quickly realising that he was placing the world in danger, Squigbarm took off on his giant owl until the doors closed.  After a quick dart in and back out of range, he was satisfied in proving that Shadowstuff was indeed the key to opening the tomb.  No wonder the evil assassin wanted him!  Unfortunately, the warm dust melted the snow it landed upon, and turned into a black sludge which eventually spawned shadowy, incorporeal undead!  Those in the party who could approach the sludge filled it with as much positive energy as possible, with Cyrus being drained for a level when one came in direct contact with him.  The undead that came out quickly fled into the mountainside, taking advantage of the fact that their pursuers were corporeal.  Exhausted, we returned to Jer's Storm Castle for sleep. 

At Hexacon I ended up running into an old friend, Chris Turco, who used to run the best World of Darkness table top game of which I've ever been a part.  I guess he sold his whole collection of White Wolf products (several years worth of the entire line of products) when he thought that he'd never game again.  As with all of the old group, I've missed him dearly.  Hopefully, we'll stay in touch this time. 

One cool thing is that, as Program Director for CopperCon this year I can get him in as a participant.  He's written two novels, both in the SecondWorld Chronicals.  If all being Program Director gets me is a friend's chance to market his books, then it'll be worth it.  Of course, that's not all I'm getting.  The experience itself is useful, but helping a friend always seems better than helping myself.

Sunday, I slept in too late to attend the early mass.  HLA was going to keep me during the later morning masses, so I was going to have to attend mass in the evening and miss the traditional post-con diner.  Or so I thought.  What the group ended up doing was send Jackson with me to mass while they went with Kitty on a Secret Shopper outing at Metrocenter.  Then we met up at the Metrocenter Sizzler's afterwards.  It was nice of them to work around my schedule like that.

So, mass was precided over by our pastor again.  Once again he seemed comfortable with the contemporary mass, which is a good sign.  His homily was on gluttony, which actually seemed to strike a nerve with Jackson.  He even went out of his way to eat light at Sizzler's afterwards. 

The week after Hexacon has been filled with CopperCon madness.  Afterward the con I'm going to sleep for days if I can.  I have more CopperCon madness planned for after work this week as well.

Thursday Jay, Kim, and I got together with some Church's chicken and shot the breeze at their place.  After a few hours, Dai and his cousin Matt stopped by to drop off some workout passes to Jay and Kim.  We all chatted for a bit before they gave me a ride home (now that they live two and a half miles southwest of here). 

Friday and Saturday were Jackson's and Pitcher's games.  I'll recap those and HLA @ Hexacon in a later entry.

Sunday we had Father Milt back.  His homily was on seeing the signs and sacraments of God but not recognising them as such.  I think we're all guilty of that at times;  I know I have been. 

Afterwards we had a post-con wrapup meeting online for HLA.  Matt and Wayne showed up seventy minutes late, but I kept myself busy with CopperCon stuff while I waited.  Wayne has set up a post-con survey and has plans for both DarkCon and Hexacon next year.

Today I was busy with more CopperCon stuff.  I forgot to go grocery shopping, although I did post here a couple of times as a "break".  I shoudl probably go to bed now.  Night!

Let's see.  I guess I owe you the recap of Steve's D&D game from Saturday the 5th of July.  Only Mike, Mike, and I were there, and Steve decided to host it at his own place.  Our characters, plus Rodolpho and Rubin went out on a clockwise circuit of the outer environs of Daggerdale.  We foiled an ambush prepared for us by Zhent scouts, followed them down to the covered fox holes to which they had retreated for another attempted ambush, and slew all but two who fled in separate directions.  We then continued our circuit unmolested, running into a party doing the counterclockwise rotation at the end of the night. 

Friday the 11th of July was Jackson's game, which was still being played at Tom, Lori, Russ, and Trav's place.  We resolved the cliffhanger where seven shadowy Squigbarms entered the clearing, saying in an unnatural voice, "Don't let him kill us!"  Of course the party attacked Squigbarm, destroying the defensive mirror images that Shadowstuff had created for them.  Once he started losing images that the party wasn't attacking, he cast summon monster and had a lantern arcon fire its light blasts at the closest evil target.  By then, Squig was only trying to defend himself from Ryllis, Deloan, and Cyrus as the rest had switched to defending him once Zed had declared that the shadowy Squigbarm did not detect as evil.  Even after the improved invisiblity enhanced assassin stabbed Squig, Deloan refused to quit combating him.  He even went so low as to ask Squig to catch a rock so that he could determine which of the remaining two images the assassin should target.  The party took care of four images, while the assassin only had to destroy two.  Way to go "friends"! 

That's when the green dragon showed up, alerted by the noise of combat.  Zed and the lantern arcon kept the assassin busy while Ethan summoned some dire bats and thoqua to reveal the invisible assassin.  The rest of us tried to converse with the dragon.  After she cast a spell to see our invisible opponent, she dismissed him by saying that she wasn't going to intervene.  Apparently it was beneath her to assist the assassin, as she felt it best that he succeed or fail in his mission on his own.  She could easily tell by scent which of us had been involved in the death of her children, but she listened to us as we explained our fears for her safety.  She laughed us off and explained that she was too large of a dragon to work as the White Death's spell component.  She then laid some heavy hints that Snowfall and Verdigris were the exact right size, however.  When it was apparent that she knew more of the assassin than she had said thus far, Squigbarm traded his level one Pearl of Power for the information. 

The assassin was one of the descendants of the Seven Kings in the Tomb of Deken Thal.  Mouser is an assassin by trade who has been assigned the task of obtaining the Black Key, the name the forces of evil have given to Shadowstuff.  Finally, all of the clues start falling into place, and all it took was a little bribery.  That'll be evil's fall right there.  So long as the our party of good doesn't kill each other first. 

I guess I'll recap Jackson's game on Friday the 18th later today.  I'll catch up yet!