OK, I know I should be sleeping, but I've got so much stuff to do!  My to do list fills out an 8.5 x 11" sheet of paper, and it all needs to be done by next week!  [insert stress-related scream here]   Thank all that is good that I only have to work Wednesday of next week.  Otherwise, I don't think I could make it. 

OK, no new Zeta or X-Men episodes this weekend.  That means I can leave the VCR be. 

OK, Kim's last name is Martin.  I got my two Internet chores out of the way.  Until Sunday night I must bid my journal bon soir.  Enya calls me to sleep before the dawn of a new workday.

OK, so I should be in bed, but I wanted to type this before I forgot.

First, it looks like my big Issue #100 for the MSHAG campaign is hitting the Labour Day speed bump.  Chris, Kristie, and Russ will be playing an RPGA game at Samurai Comics during the afternoon and will show up late.  Ken has to work during the day and will spend time with his family that night for the holiday.  Wayne is thinking of going out of town for the holiday.  Mike might be switching his truck driving classes to weekdays, thus making him late from now until he is official fired as a truck driver and has to quit the game completely.  And now Bill tells me that Cheyanne will be coming back home on the 1st, and she is his first priority above all else.  If she wants to spend time with him that night, he'll miss out on Issue #100 as well.  Damn!  That leave Jon and I for on-time, and the rest of the regulars as possibly late.  And none of our past players are likely to show now.    And they all knew and agreed to an Issue #100 celebration last year when I first mentioned it.  :/

And to make Bill matters worse, Bill thinks he's unwanted by Fan Force.  I told him that he doesn't get much recognition anymore only because he's less of a presence.  He used to keep himself more involved:  on the boards, in the line-up, et cetera.  Now when he attends a PFF event he sits on the side and spectates.  Of course people aren't going to make you the focus of their attention if you don't vie for it.  That's just common sense (to some). 

I guess one good thing did come of his attitude tonight, and that was when I was forced out of my comfort zone.  Normally at Denny's I would have sat in the chairs near Kreleia, Jupitertronic, and Dave because they and Void (of the people there) are the ones with which I'm most comfortable hanging around.  But because of his anti-social, afraid of Jessica, mood I was forced to sit near people with whom I am less familiar.  And it turned out to be a great way to get to know MexChewie better.  So I was forced to grow as a person, and that's never a bad thing to be sure.  The Xanga crowd will just have to hang out next time.  CopperCon perhaps?  Or will I be too busy?  Who knows.

And now B's on IM asking me if he should IM Jess.  Personally, I think an E-mail which explains his entire position would work better.  But any communication is probably better than none.  He'll just brood until he imagines all sorts of things if he doesn't get things out in the open sooner rather than later.  Good luck to them both on straightening things out if they can.

Can you believe that Cheyanne doesn't turn 18 until September 4th?  I'm surprised their families condone their dating.  Oh well.  Enough about Bill.  I should get some sleep before work this morning.  I'll probably fall asleep during Who tomorrow.  Oh well.  Sleep will do me more good in the long run. 

Oh, and to end things on an upbeat, SWII rocks!  I love Attack of the Clones even more each time I see it.  This time I wasn't even bothered by R2 pushing 3PO to certain doom.  My mind rationalized this time that R2 was just showing 3PO who was really in charge, following their conversation aboard the ship.  After all, R2 patched him up in the end.  Right?

OK, I'm really going to bed now.   

OK, I'm back a little earlier and a little less tired than I expected, so I thought I'd do a quick recap of my weekend before starting my six day work week tomorrow.

The camping trip was fun and too short.  Driving was six hours one way, so between getting there Saturday and getting home today, scratch one of our two days just for traveling.  It was cool, moist, and secluded.  Oh how I could have used some more time up there.  It was great getting to run at the higher elevation.  I've needed a real workout like that for some time.  I just wish the parental units weren't such a hamper on physical activity.  Between her asthma and his trick knee, they didn't do much hiking.  None of their friends ever showed up, so it was just the three of us.  Maybe someday our scheduals will allow us to do that again.

While on the long ride, I was reading my September 2002 Asimov's Science Fiction.  I really loved the first tale, The Potter of Bones by Eleanor Arnason.  The protagonist is a woman whose love of knowledge leaves her at odds and socially isolated from her more practical clanmates.  I would really get into the world the author was portraying, when suddenly I was slapped back into reality with her anti-male, pro-lesbian stance.  Everytime I'd get back into the story she's slap me with it again.  It's really a great tale, I just wish she'd have been less blatent with her agenda.  If it wasn't the fact that true love was between those of the same gender and procreation love between male and female to be abhored, it was making the only fleshed out male turn out to be an evil bastard.  If it wasn't making fun of penises and describing vaginas in romantic metaphor, it was claiming that males were unintellectual, violence prone simpltons while only females could think, plan, and be intellectual.  I had no problem with a matrarchical society, nor with Goddess worship.  That's why I was surprised and taken aback everytime I was slapped with this woman's agenda.  It's too bad.  But the story is so well written that I'd read it again.  Scarey, isn't it. 

So I'm reading other people's journals from the weekend as I type this and I wonder.  People sure have been busy creating mystery around themselves this past weekend! 

I also noticed that my last post here didn't save, and I don't really remember what it was about.  I think I had had a dream I wanted to remember, or some such thing.  I'm fairly certain I also talked about the possible change of our Doctor Who night from Thursdays to Wednesdays.  Oh well.  I was unlucky enough to save it when Xanga was down making space for some new thing they're going to unveil soon.  My non-Xanga Weblog list wasn't updated either from that same night.  Maybe I should just type these in notepad and then paste them over when I'm done.  I dunno. 

I partially saw a television commercial the other day for something I think was called House of the Mouse Villian's Takeover which was some new video with Disney villains.  I didn't really see much more than the tail end, and heard none of the audio of the commercial, but I did see Chernabog!  And it was the real one, not the cartoony, less scarey one of recent years.  I just might have to look for that the next time Suncoast has their Triple Point Days. 

Well, if I want to be awake for work and the MSHAG game afterwards, I ought to sign off now.  TTFN.

Moon River....*sigh*  I love watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.  Well, I always dislike the party scene as I have had the misfortune to attend such dreadful parties before.  I dislike people when their drinking, drugging, whatever.  I might like the companionship at other times, but parties such as in the movie offer me nothing.  I guess it's too real for me.  The rest is so incredibly romantic.  Two people meet, become friends, and eventually find true love.  How can that be bad? 

I've never been much of one to find heroes or crushes in celebrities.  But back in college my best friend felt it was absolutely mandatory that everyone have celebrities with whom they would want to be romantically or lustily involved.  I eventually caved in and named Audrey Hepburn simply because of her role in this movie.  Anytime she or anyone else would ask such a question I'd answer Audrey Hepburn.  I've done that for years now.  It's kind of a cop-out, but if people don't believe that it's possible to live your life without stars in your eyes so be it. 

Maybe it's the nurturer in me that loves that movie.  Most people who know me long enough know that I get my greatest joy from helping others reach their goals.  In a way it's rather odd, as it means that I have few real goals of my own.  Holly sure would be a project!  The kind of project that would be challenging enough that I would take her on in a second, if allowed.  Heck, that's how I got involved in conventions!

I remember Billy and Kitty talking about how it'd be great to get conventions back on track, get them to be events people wanted to attend.  The kind of events that they themselves wanted to attend.  But as always, this was going to be one of those conversations where people talk-the-talk, but don't walk-the-walk.  I hate to see people not achieve their dreams and ambitions, so I pulled out a whiteboard and started making them really think about what they were discussing.  After a while we had some values and goals mapped out, and a plan to achieve them.  And look where we are now.  The three of us have added a few more to the ranks, and we've successfully run local convention programming for the last several conventions.  Most of the complaints people have had about convention programming have been addressed.  We're consistently asked to run programming, and even the Farrs seem interested in utilizing our team when they run programming for LepreCon XXIX. 

Larry Vela is going to chair LepreCon XXXI, and he's asked me a few times if I want a committee position for that convention.  I've told him I'll take whatever no one else will take, but he seems more interested in giving those of us on the team first choice.  And this is where I run into the problem.  Unlike Billy and Kitty, whose dream was to fix or replace local conventions, I don't have a personal dream or goal when it comes to local conventions.  I'm just along for the ride because I was the catalyst.  A committee position might appeal to some, but it's all the same to me if I'm just an attendee.  I like the ability to shape what happens, but I don't need or desire it.  I suspect that at some point I'll just pick something at random.  I hope that I don't, because then I'm not likely to enjoy it.  He asked me again last night, and he still wants me to choose something.  I guess I just don't feel qualified for anything at committee level when it comes down to it.  Of course, people less qualified than I have run things.  I guess Larry could do worse.  I just don't think people should do things unless they have a passion or desire to fuel their actions.  I'd have some fuel if I felt I was helping out where no one else would.  But I don't really have a passion for any of the committees themselves. 

*sigh*  And on that note, as I've gone from a romantic sigh to a defeated sigh, I'll bid my Internet following, "Bon soir!"

Well next weekend I'll be camping, so I'm not sure when I'll next be baring my soul.  I never assume that I'll have time during the week.  It'll be my first camping experience with my step-father, so it promises to be interesting.  I'm not sure where we're going, but apparantly I'll have to attend mass near San Simon or Saint David with Mom.  Considering the fact that we're leaving 4am Saturday, I suspect that I'll need to crash once we get home Sunday night.  I'm not sure that working a six day week that following week is going to make it any easier to post.  Oh well.  Family is important.  We all make sacrifices for them.  Besides, camping itself should be fun.  It'll be a great way for us to bond as family and for me to meet some of their friends.  We'll even have an opportunity to sweat in a lodge from what I understand. 

They've set their move out date as November 15th.  Now I just have to hope that he doesn't sabotage that.  He has a tendancy to sabotage things that are going well for him. 

Xanga has given me a free trial of their upgraded services for twenty-eight days.  It seems a lot cooler than that with which I first started.  It just hasn't sold me on paying for it yet.  If this journal has any readers who would care to influence me either way, feel free to do so. 

I had a strange dream this morning where CopperCon was held at my dreamworld hotel, but nothing seriously bad happened.  I missed out on all the stuff I wanted to attend because of behind the scenes work, something I usually fear will happen but doesn't.  Due to my frusration at this turn of events I called in my voice weblog to Xanga over their new local phone number.  Then a friend and I went undercover to infiltrate a fishing cruise business.  I don't remember why.  It just struck me as odd that I'd dream of a phone-in weblog.  I also feared not being kept up-to-date on my friends' logs while overloaded at-con.  I'm not sure why I feared that either.  Am I becoming dependant on keeping up with friends more that way rather than in real life?  I didn't fear it over Hexacon in the real world.  Here I go overanalyzing again. 

How does one respond to being told, "you're just a good person"?  I'm not used to such a large compliment.  Maybe jt didn't mean good in the way I think of good.  I think of good as an opposite of evil.  I try to be good, but I feel like I fall short so often.  Maybe I don't fall as short as I imagine myself.  I dunno.

Mike has asked me to ask Wayne if he'll lend Mike money.  I really wish he'd just get a temp job.  His classes are on Saturday and Sunday.  He should be able to get work at a temp agency for days he doesn't have class.  At thirty-four years he should realise that his parents have cut him off for a reason.  Of course, he thought he could get me to take out a loan for four thousand for him, so I doubt he'll ever realise much of anything when it comes to money.  It's hard for me to turn him down when he needs to borrow money for rent, gasoline, or food.  That doesn't mean I'm made of money, and I guess he finally realised that.  I'm just not sure I want to be stuck inbetween Wayne and Mike when it comes to money.  That could jeopardize either or both of my friendships.  We all saw how hard it was to keep those two from each others' throats when last they hung out together.  The way Wayne holds money over other people's heads and the way Mike can't keep money for twenty-four hours:  it just doesn't make for a good combination.  Oh well.  I'll probably do it anyway.  I don't want to see Mike on the streets.  Maybe I can convince Wayne of that he doesn't either.  Miracles can happen. 

Well, tonight is our last CuCon Programming Team meeting before the convention.  I hope Billy survives all this.  It's his first time as Programming Chair, and I'm not sure he's delegating as much as he could.  At least this promises to be one blast of a con! 

More on the mind of Paul later....

Paul, Paul, Paul....everyone will be so disappointed in you.  You met another attractive young lady at work today and didn't do anything about it.  She had such beautiful eyes, far apart and deepset like Christina Ricci.  Her face was shaped like an upsidedown drop of water with small, red-painted lips near the tip.  Her shoulder-length hair was pinned upon the back of her head like a strutting peacock.  She had such a heartbreakingly beautiful smile that she instantly captivated me.  And that's the problem.

It's so inappropriate to break the customer/sales associate relationship with the intention of creating another level of relationship.  That's the second time that work has provided a glimpse of what's not available in my current social circles.  And I find that frustrating. 

I'm not really looking for a girlfriend either.  As most already know, I prefer to befriend those I find attractive.  I figure that whatever made me attracted to them would make them a good friend.  Friendships have a higher value in my book simply because they are the basis of all deeper relationships.  It's stupid to try a build a pyramid from the top down.  It's also more rewarding to be friends than whatever you call failed suitees (is that a word?). 

This woman in black had a smile that was so sincere and pure, that she had to be a good person at heart.  You can just tell these kinds of things.  And people of good heart seem so few and far away these days that I'd like to befriend as many as I can. 

Claire was another woman like that who I wish I could have gotten to know better before she and her son moved to Ohio.  She'd smile in such a genuine way that it'd distract you from whatever conversation you were having.  I know we only went hiking together on a few occasions, but she was a wonderful person.  I enjoyed her company on those hikes, and I guess I still miss her. 

Well, I still have more to say, but the Assumption of the Virgin Mary is Thursday.  If I'm to attend mass in the morning before work, I should get some sleep.  Night all.

Hello again, my journal.  This xTools feature you have rocks.  I can type away in you when sites are loading too slow for me. 

I must say that I had a great ego boost this evening when I recieved an E-mail stating:

I mention you frequently here - you were truly one of the best gamemaster-guys I've had the pleasure to play with, and maybe, when things are forgiven and forgetten (or you ever want to visit SF) I'll get that chance again.

Comments like that just blow me away!  I'm always trying to figure out what I do right and what I do wrong while gamemastering, so that I can be better.  Yet people never give me specifics.  It's frustrating at times, but at least comments like that let me know that I'm not too far off the mark. 

So tonight we had our Marvel Super Heroes Adventure Game (hereafter refered to as MSHAG) campaign session, as we do most Monday nights.  MSHAG is a table-top role-playing game which was published in August 1998 by TSR.  It's  been out of print since Marvel Comics pulled the licence several years ago. 

I started Narrating this campaign in September 1998 the week after CopperCon XVIII, and people are still returning week after week.  I'm not sure if it's because so few people run superhero role-playing campaigns or because I run the game in unique ways.  One thing that I do is Narrate as if the events were an actual comic we were reading.  I'll start out a story with the description of a Cover, include a Title, describe text boxes and writen sounds, and often describe actions with page and panel layouts. 

The one sad thing about the campaign is that it is likely to end soon, even though not everyone wants it to do so.  The logistics of getting everyone together on the same day with enough play time to make it worthwhile will probably end in October.  So, I want to offer a great blowout party for all players past and present to celebrate the four years of fun we all had.  And co-incidentally, it will correspond with issue #100 of the in-game comics series.

So, now that I've given everyone the backstory I can explain what one player did tonight that was so noteworthy.  The player of Shift tried a new power stunt tonight and failed.  This can happen from time to time, and the game system prohibits re-trying power stunts which fail on their first try.  Unfortunately, the player threw his remaining Hand of Fate and stomped around the house.  He was upset because he wanted his character to reach certain things before the end of the campaign, and the end is suddenly a lot nearer than we ever planned for originally.  The only other way to get the abilities of that power stunt is to raise another power of his by another 14 intensity.  He doesn't feel that that is reachable before October. 

Well, I'm sorry for him, but we all suffer setbacks in-game and in real life.  Plenty of other players tried to offer examples of similar situations they have been in, but he wouldn't hear it.  Well, what about all the cool plans I had for the team that I won't get to see?  The cool subplots that will be left unresolved?  The cool characters left unmade?  The cool traps left unsprung?  The cool crossovers left undone?  But no, everything resolves around Russ.  I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted Russ, but move on.  Don't sit there and mope the rest of the night.  Not only is it rather immature for an adult, but it's rather unsuperheroic for your character too.

Anyway, it's way past bedtime.  The alarm's only six hours away.  Night my journal friends!

Welcome to the first on-line installment of Paul's journal.  When I was young I started journalling as an outlet.  My secret hope (not so secret in the years since) was that someday my journals would be published for the world to read.  It's a rather self-centred desire, but the fact that these weblogs have been on the Internet for years would seem to indicate that it is not a unique desire.  I've always intended to get a weblog since I first discovered the concept from my ex-foster mother Kathi (not to be confused with my biological mother Kathy, whom I will always refer to as Mom) several years ago. 

Because I don't have time for two journals, don't expect me to lie or pull punches here.  If you're offended by my honesty, this is the only time I will appologize.  I believe that Truth is intregral to a healthy life.  No Good can come from the suppression of Truth. 

I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank the Lord my God for my life, health, and opportunities.  Without Him, this weblog would not be possible.

Peace and God Bless!

Paul Donald Peter Tanton

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